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This clip is from a show on TLC called The Man Whose Arm Exploded, about former world-record bodybuilder Gregg Valentino and his extreme steroid use that led to his right arm filling up with puss and blood and all sorts of nasty shit and how much fun (?!) dealing steroids is.  The lesson here kids is– **** steroids.  Unless you want to be a freak of nature beast with no dick and balls, thick brown piss and probably have your heart explode out of your chest.

Tags: Arm Exploded World Record Bodybuilder Gregg Valentino

Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
 
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that!  I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down.
 
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"  Little Mary's mouth
fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in
big trouble!"
 
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, that's correct!"  Then she turned to

Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.
   
Second, you didn't read your homework.
   
And third, one day you are going to be VERY ,VERY disappointed.

Have A Great Day

Tags: For The Teachers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......they panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.  Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot
of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'.  Jose says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Carlos' sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

Jose says ' No wonder you only get 2 - 3 dollars 'Carlos says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico'

Tags: Jose And Carlos

Scenes I hope pop up as my life flashes before my eyes. Numbers 1-25:

1. Hank banging a bowl with a spoon on the kitchen floor
2. Cutting the cake with Bryan
3. Hot dog in Reykjavik at midnight, full sun
4. Cracking open a book with my name on the cover
5. Dancing on the bar at the office party
6. Jumping off the high dive terrified
7. Cheering Kazakhstan at the Olympics
8. Writing the very last check on our credit card debt
9. Seeing van Gogh’s Starry Night
10. Starting the conga line
11. Helicopter over Buenos Aires
12. Skinny dipping at night in the ocean, in the lake, in the hotel pool
13. Dancing atop the boat in a thunderstorm in Costa Rica
14. Speaking at a conference for the first time
15. Swimming in the open water with sharks in Belize
16. Laughing as I pushed the baby out
17. Napping on the balcony in the Philippines, warm air on my skin
18. Joining the chorus of hundreds counting down to the year 2000
19. Smoking a Cuban cigar on the balcony
20. Making cotton candy
21. Waking in a houseboat to see the reflection of water on the ceiling
22. Addressing Valentines
23. Haggling with my girlfriend in the Balinese markets
24. Bryan in a giant corndog costume in the Castro
25. Seeing the balloons drop

Tags: Things Worth Doing

Me: Shit. It’s dark.
Melissa: I know! And the banks are super high. Do they just have enormous plows?
Me: Yeah.
Melissa: And it’s totally deserted. This is so strange.
Me: I’m cool. I’ll just consume your flesh while I wait for rescue.
Melissa: Yeah, which part should you start with?
Me: Which limb do you use least?
Melissa: Help arrives like minutes later, and you’re hunched over my body.
Me: I’m like, “Whaa?”
Melissa: OK. So it’s true we just had dinner, but I was nervous!
Me: I felt anxious!
Melissa: Don’t judge me!

Tags: Driving While Dark

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
 
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, s o that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Tags: Interesting Facts

Ha, this is great. Taken from here.

By now, I am sure most of you have heard the Tim Tebow vs. Chuck Norris
comparison on ESPN after Chuck Norris sent a letter - check that, fax - of
congratulations to Tebow after he won the Heisman. What? Total douche bag.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. That's where Sammy comes in. Tim,
Chuck – take our guy. We dare you.

Exactly how bad is Bo
Pelini…………………



If Bo Pelini was gay, his name would be Tim
Tebow.

Bo Pelini’s parents threw him a surprise birthday party when he
was young. Once.

Bo Pelini only masturbates to pictures of Bo
Pelini.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Pelini now
lives in Nebraska.

Bo Pelini can get McDonald’s breakfast after
10:30.

Pelini makes Chuck Norris sit down to pee.

Before Tim Tebow goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for
Bo Pelini.

Bo Pelini does not tea-bag the ladies. He potato-bags
them.

Bo Pelini could kill Chuck Norris nine different ways with his
headset and four different ways with his play chart.

Bo Pelini sleeps
with a night light. Not because he is afraid of the dark but because the dark is
afraid of Bo Pelini.

Bo Pelini can touch MC Hammer.

People wear
Superman pajamas to bed. Superman wears Bo Pelini pajamas to bed.

Bo
Pelini's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Bo
Pelini.

Bo Pelini was originally cast as the main character in 24, but
was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save
the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Bo Pelini doesn't cut his grass, he dares it to grow.

Bo
Pelini used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following him to
close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

They say that Superman's
only weakness is kryptonite. Bo Pelini laughs at Superman for having a
weakness.

Bo Pelini's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because
Bo
Pelini will not take shit from anyone.

Bo Pelini once partook in a
pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

Bo Pelini's
wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says,
"Time to kick ass."

Bo
Pelini once worked as weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Each night the
forecast was ’partly cloudy with a 75% of pain.’

Hellen Keller’s favorite
color is Bo Pelini.

Bo Pelini recently had an idea to sell his urine in a
can. Now it is known as Red Bull.

When Bo Pelini stares at Iowa, he gets
popcorn.

Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie. It is also what Bo
Pelini calls the opponents laying in his front yard.

Bo Pelini doesn't
write down plays in his defensive playbook. He stares it down and the plays
write themselves.

One time, Bo Pelini stubbed his toe and wiped out the
entire state of Ohio.

Bo Pelini eats steak every meal. Most times he
forgets to kill Bevo first.

And finally. In a fight between Tim Tebow and
Chuck Norris - the winner is......... Bo Pelini.

Tags: Bo Pelini Vs Tim Tebow AND Chuck Norris

Overheard: The beautiful girl on her cell phone leaves a
message.

“I don’t know whether you’re ignoring me, or just, like, extra busy or
something. I really want to talk to you… Whatever.”

Tags: Blonde Cell Phone Whatever

Age 1: I do not cry when hungry or tired. The doctor says I’m probably slow.

Age 2: My mom and dad stare down at me. Dad says, “I think she’s lying.” Mom says, “I don’t think she knows how to lie.” I am lying.

Age 3: I would like to wear dresses and shiny shoes all the time, please.

Age 4: Dustin tries to “hump” my leg in the kindergarten recess line, and I shove him. Forever after, I will find the name Dustin slightly irritating.

Age 5: I carry a red purse with a long strap, and fill it with pennies. One day while Joey and I are chasing each other around the playground, I swing it excitedly and hit him in the back. His face is so surprised and pained that the memory of it still makes me cringe.

Age 6: Mrs. Bartlett sends my best friend home because she has a hole in her sweater. I cry because I know her family is poor, and I have to stand the corner as punishment for crying. I attend a new school for third grade.

Age 7: While swinging, I realize I have no impending doctor or dentist appointments, and experience a surge of pure joy.

Age 8: My grandfather dies. At his body viewing, a young man who works at the funeral home takes me to the refrigerated florist shop to buy me a flower. I choose a carnation, a white one with red stripes.

Age 9: Mrs. Ross is my happy, curly-haired fourth grade teacher, and she assigns us poetry exercises. Her note on my first haiku says “Great imagery! You will be an excellent writer one day.”

Age 10: “Mom?” I say. “How do gay people have sex?” Mom takes a deep breath and pauses. She says, “I am very uncomfortable telling you this, but they say that if you’re old enough to ask, you’re old enough to know… Gay people have sex in the butt.”

Tags: First Decade

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