It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country.
You know how game shows have the play at home game where you can text in a number and it gives you a shot at winning money? Junior year my housemates and I conspired to trick our friend into thinking he won $250,000 on "Deal or No Deal." Earlier in the week I called my brother and let him know that if I texted him between 8-9 PM, he should call our housemate and pretend that he won the grand prize. It took several days, but on Thursday, he guessed the correct briefcase. My brother called him three minutes later and told him the good news and to stand by for further instructions. My housemate started running around, screaming about how this was going to change his life. We almost felt bad when he started talking about all the stuff he was going to buy us. He was on the phone with his parents when the show returned announcing the real winner as Jane Doe from East Moosehead, Minnesota. My housemate dropped to his knees with a look of utter devastation on his face. We started laughing as he ran to his room to hide. He came out about 15 minutes later and said he couldn't be mad because that was the best prank he had ever seen.
1. Hair: Do you put effort into making your hair seem cool? Don't. All cool kids put zero effort into their hair. When it's messy, you do nothing. When it gets long, you never under any circumstances PAY for a haircut! There is nothing more uncool than paying somebody to cut your hair. You can either do it yourself, or occasionally push the hair out of your face with your fist. Using fingers shows effort and that's simply uncool. Some people put a lot of effort into making their hair look unkempt; however, that effort shows and oftentimes you're left looking considerably less cool. Oh, and shave every third Tuesday, but not with a blade, with a stick.
2. Clothes: Hey, when did you buy that outfit you're wearing? Did your answer start with a "two thousand"? Because if so, you're not cool. The clothes you wear today should be the ones you wore in seventh grade. The smaller, the more worn down, the better. Is your shirt so thin you can see your nipples through it? Great. Now you're getting somewhere, nerd. The shirt you wore to sixth-grade PE is a great start. How about a sports team that doesn't exist anymore? Anything Quebec Nordiques or Vancouver Grizzlies=instant cool.
3. Demeanor: Do not speak loudly. No cool person speaks loudly. Say few, small words, but every once in a while drop a really big one just to show you've got the capability, but you're just too cool to use it. Example:
GIRL: Hey. YOU: Sup. GIRL: I've never noticed you before. I like your shirt--PE, huh? It's cute. YOU: Sup. GIRL: I like your hair--is that effort I see? YOU: You know it ain't, bitch. Sesquipedalian. GIRL: *SWOOOOON*
Shakespeare once wrote, "To thine own self be true." However, you should focus on Shakespeare's more subtle philosophical points about dressing up as people and acting like characters. Cooler characters.
"What if the Nazis had won World War II?" is a question every bad sci-fi writer has asked, and probably written a book about, at some point. The truth is there's no limit to all of the weird-ass ways the world would be different if one of the major wars had gone the other way.
We asked you to ponder that, and photoshop the results. The winner (who gets $50 for their trouble) is below, but first, the runners-up:
I can’t stop watching the red band trailer for Mirrors. That jaw-ripping thing is one of the most brutal things I’ve seen…and it’s JUST a trailer. I’m a little unhinged, I know, but watching that scene pleases me and scares the living daylights out of me at the same time. I might actually cave and see the movie just to see that scene on a giant screen. While slightly obsessing over it earlier today, I tried to think of movie moments that made me just plain uncomfortable and/or scared shitless. Being the horror film connoisseur I am, I was surprised to see the list I compiled was actually quite long. I’m warning you now: there is a crap-ton of spoilers in this post, so if you haven’t seen a lot of horror movies, stop now, rent some flicks and start scaring yourself! Tell me your favorite terrifying moments when you’re done reading mine!
The ending scene was just so long and drawn out that it made me uncomfortable. Once Cameron’s veins started popping, I knew I was in for it, so the suspense of what was going to happen next totally took over my body. Needless to say, I wasn’t disappointed when he eventually caught on fire.
When Jigsaw gets up off the ground after Dr. Gordon “leaves” to get help, shuts off the lights, does his whole “Game over” bit and closes the door...pretty much made me say, “WHAAAAAT?!” out loud. It wasn’t scary, but it was pretty damn bizarre.
I’m so upset more people don’t know about this movie because honestly, it’s pretty genius, especially the ending. The main character, Frank, is obsessed with girls…well, more so than most guys. He stalks the shit out of them and kills them, putting the victim-of-the-week’s hair on one of several mannequins in his apartment. In the end though, during his uber schizoid breakdown, the mannequins come to life and kill him. Totally creeptastic.
The opening scene has this girl freaking out, seeing eyeballs, getting attacked from something behind the window (I’m not telling you what it is) and in the end leads to one brutal stabbing/hanging. As if that’s not terrifying enough, her friend, who’s trying to help her the entire time, gets turned into sushi (aka hacked up) by the window the first girl falls through. In-friggin’-tense.
I literally just got pain in my ankles thinking about this movie. What a rough way to find out what “hobbling” means. I, along with half the planet, can no longer look at a sledgehammer the same way.
I’m sure part of it is because I’m female and have to shave my legs on weekly (sometimes daily) basis, but the leg shaving scene is by far the best thing Eli Roth has put on film. I still have to make sure my legs are flesh-eating-virus-free before shaving.
Definitely making the most of the whole loud-noise-then-action horror movie formula, the end of Tenebre is just shocking. It would be cruel for me to tell you exactly what happens without you seeing it, mostly because the reason why it’s so insane is because of the movie’s backstory. It was a shock not only because of what happened, but also because of who it happened to. Hitchcock homage, anyone?
Here’s the deal: you KNOW it’s going to happen, but it takes so long to actually happen, the suspense almost kills you. At least that’s how it was for me. I didn’t breathe throughout the entire scene and I must say this is the first (and hopefully only) case when I’m glad someone’s eye got gouged out.
One scene in this movie just made me want to vomit and perhaps may be the reason why I’m attracted to the Mirrors trailer so much. A mysterious woman, Benigna, comes to Laura’s house (she’s the main character). After a series of events, Benigna is hit by a car. When they show her TOTALLY ******* MUTILATED FACE I sobbed a little on the inside out of sheer terror.
Being attacked and turned into a freak by other fellow freaks is not my idea of a good time. That bitch Cleopatra had it coming though. Either way though, watching those freaks eerily walk (or roll, in The Torso’s case) toward the girl actually made me feel bad for her for a split second. And I thought rednecks were bad…
If aliens really look like the aliens in this movie, I’m checking out now. I mean, that poor dog! That ******* runaway head?! I still have a hard time sleeping at night after watching that and I’ve seen it a few dozen times. Yes, I’m aware I’m a masochist.
There are so many screwed up things that happen in this movie that it’s really hard to pick just one moment, but of course, the ending literally shocked the boots off everyone who’s seen it. Between cutting off his tongue and finding out he’s been banging his daughter (and maybe even knocking her up), this guy messed himself up BAD!
Watching a little girl prepare AND inject her own dad with heroin was pretty hardcore, but when he dies, she uses him as a giant doll. HE’S FILLED WITH MAGGOTS AND GAS BECAUSE HE’S DECAYING AND SHE JUMPS ON HIS STOMACH, MAKING HIM FART AND SHE LAUGHS?! Jeebus fuckballs that’s so fucked…
Between the tanned human skins and breast-feeding, I thought it couldn’t get any worse. That was until I saw a grown woman give birth to a grown man. I’m sure watching this movie at 3 a.m. didn’t make things easier, but come on, that’s just outright scarring.
It’s official: Vincent D’Onofrio is the most chilling fucker alive. DID YOU SEE THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE?! I was literally so uncomfortable when I saw it that I immediately started laughing. Private Pyle and his crazy talk totally scared the bejesus out of me.
I had such horrible sympathy pains after watching that vagina-meets-crucifix scene that I got rid of my Ouija board, stopped going to church and remained a virgin until I was 18. Quite an impact, don’t you think?
Hands down, watching this movie was the weirdest 16 minutes of my life. I couldn’t believe I just saw a REAL EYE get cut open. Sure, it wasn’t a human eye, but that’s not the point. It’s close enough to cause projectile vomit, therefore it works for me.
I worked at a video store in college. A friend of mine, Mark, told me to watch this movie because it was one of his favorite movies and I’d totally love it. When I came into work the next day, I chucked the movie at his head and screamed as loud as I could, “WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” You want to know why? The 9-minute anal-raping scene. As if rape scenes aren’t horrible enough! It takes a lot (and I mean A LOT) to offend me, and this totally did. **NOTE: EVEN YOUTUBE DIDN'T HAVE A CLIP OF IT. THAT SAYS SOMETHING**
This film is fucked up on epic proportions. He literally kills a handful of animals in this movie, but nothing worse than that helpless turtle. The poor thing was kicking (and I’m sure it would’ve screamed too if it could) even after it got its cute little head hacked off. That shit was brutal but not that good, brutal way (it’s a Metal thing, you wouldn’t understand).
I will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER forgive my friends for making me watch this movie. EVER. The movie starts off being this totally harmless, typical psycho killer 80s horror flick then does a total 180 and travels to Crazyville. Nothing in my entire life has scared me more than the end of this movie. Not only does the look on Angela’s face scare the crap out of me…but that SOUND SHE MAKES?! It’s so ridiculously animalistic and savage that it just sent a chill down my spine. In fact, to this day I can’t watch it without feeling totally sick.
For those of you about to have your first child, or who are considering it, you should know that there are some things about childbirth they're not telling you. Disgusting, horrifying things.
Our goal here isn't to talk you out of having kids (it'd suck to be the website that convinced mankind to go extinct). We just want you to be prepared so you don't run screaming from the hospital.
#6.
The Placenta
Webster's defines the placenta as: "the organ in most mammals, formed in the lining of the uterus by the union of the uterine mucous membrane with the membranes of the fetus, that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the elimination of its waste products."
Urban Dictionary would describe it (if there was such and entry) as, "The lumpy, blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your nightmares for years to come."
This is a blobfish. A real placenta can be found here if you dare.
The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns into your soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have went on to make you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of b-rated horror films.
Picture a vagina blowing a meat-bubble. Now imagine someone surgically attaching that meat-bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing.
#5.
Episiotomies
Modern medicine is full of examples of "cures" that seem worse than the condition they are designed to treat (or in the case of episiotomies, prevent). For instance, the dreaded episiotomy. The word itself comes from the Greek "epison," which means "pubic region," and "-tomy" which, one can only assume, means "to cut the **** out of."
In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to create an incision that starts at the bottom of the vagina, and goes downward towards the rectum. As if this wasn't hard enough to watch without crying like the little girl that our high school gym teachers always knew we would turn out to be, the procedure is carried out at the same time the baby's head is forcing its way out.
This, but with scissors. And a vagina. And imagine a screaming baby coming out of the box.
Why would a highly trained, and over-paid professional do such a procedure? To keep the vagina from tearing, silly. To the layman (and by "layman" we mean weeping, trembling onlooker), this seems like breaking your own windows with bricks to keep the neighborhood kids from breaking them with baseballs.
So why do they do it? Remember that time Barney the dinosaur locked his keys in his car and tried to get in by climbing in thru the exhaust pipe? Well childbirth can be just like that. But in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust pipe, it's a vagina.
Yeah, just like that.
#4.
Feces
You might be tempted to think all the time you have spent watching clips of poo-porn on the internet would prepare you for this, but you would be wrong. We'll spare most of the smelly details since Cracked is a family site (as long as your family consists of alcoholic pop-culture junkies) but be assured that after the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same.
First off, the mom-to-be is going to take a big fat dump on the hospital bed. Yes, Hollywood tends to leave that part out.
Apparently, passing an 8-pound canned ham through your hoo-ha compresses the intestine and has a tendency to push any fecal material inside of it out of the body. Also, there will probably be no fewer than 10 people in the room watching it happen. Oddly, mom may not even know it has happened, and those who witnessed it will probably be too polite (or horrified) to say anything.
Secondly, the baby is gonna poo too. That isn't news. In fact, "baby-shit yellow" is a color available on the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an option available for the baby's first duke. For the first few days the baby's bowel movements will be black, and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar. Also, it will be about as easy to clean as fresh roofing tar. They may also taste like fresh roofing tar, but who wants to eat fresh roofing tar just to make that comparison?
To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only to wake up with a headache, and a serious case of black diarrhea? It's a lot like that. Which begs the question, "How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb?" The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh!
#3.
Alien-Shaped Heads
By "alien," we're not talking about the guys you picked up at The Home Depot to help deliver the baby. We mean the "Sigourney- Weaver-fighting" kind (whose birth scene prepares you for the gore, if not the pooping).
As it turns out, babies' heads are soft, and don't become hard until months or years after they're born. This explains why you don't usually see them at college parties, crushing beer cans with their foreheads. Well, this and the fact that they weren't invited since they cry all the time, and puke all over the place before the drinking even begins.
Either way, having a soft skull comes in handy when you're trying to be born without killing your mother in the process. Unfortunately, their heads don't instantly regain their shape once they pop out. It takes a day or two of looking like a butt plug before you can take your little-one hat shopping.
#2.
Fetal Monitoring
If the doctor feels that your baby is at risk of anything (juvenile diabetes, low birth-weight, high birth-weight, medium birth-weight), or if he just feels that he can charge you more, he may elect to hook up a fetal monitor. That doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, that is because "fetal monitor" is just a nice way of saying "a twisted metal thingy with wires coming out of it that we're going to screw right into your baby's freaking unborn head."
Now, the fetal monitor itself isn't all that scary looking. But the fact that they jam this thing into the babies soft spot while it is still in the womb, and they stick it in there far enough that it stays inside the skull until after the baby is born, will bring back vivid memories of that baby getting hooked up to the Matrix in the first movie.
"OK, now, nurse, hand me my power drill, please."
Couple that with the fact that a baby's heart slows way down during every contraction, which sets off a little alarm on the monitor similar to the one that goes off when a patient flatlines on Scrubs, and you may find that you have shit your pants before the whole thing is over. Don't feel bad though. Like we said, there is a lot of pooping going on at this point, so if you do let one slide, just motion towards the mother when she isn't looking, and plug your nose as if to say, "Yeah, I smell it too. It was her."
#1.
The Bill
Births are really expensive. Even a complication-free birth is likely to cost upwards of $10,000 and if your baby comes out and so much as sneezes in the delivery room, this number is likely to start rolling up like a pinball score. Sure, maybe you're one of those fancy-pants families with this New Age "health insurance." But tack on the cost of the car seats, baby clothes, toys, diapers, bottles, play pens and aforementioned placenta memory-erasing Belgian ale, and you can plan on having spent more than your burger-flipping ass makes in a year before you even leave the hospital.
"Is it really worth it?"
So basically it's you letting another man touch your wife's private parts, then writing him a check. Then you watch him speed away in a Lexus on his way to a round of golf being played at some country club that you are now to poor to even clean the toilets of, let alone get a tee-time at. OK, we're probably taking it too far. We're sure they'd let you clean their toilets.
Being famous is awesome. That's what we heard, anyway.
But fame isn't so great for people who didn't ask for it, particularly the ones who got caught on video acting like a dumbass and turned into YouTube superstars overnight. We at Cracked have often wondered what becomes of those people who had their 15 minutes, whether they wanted it or not.
#6.
Aleksey Vayner, Impossible is Nothing
If you haven't seen the video ...
Everyone brags a bit on their resume, but no one did it as dramatically or badly as Aleksey Vayner when he submitted this video to banking giant UBS along with an 11-page cover letter and resume. In the video, Vayner shows that he's a dancer, a weightlifter, a karate expert and the least concise yet only correct answer to the question: what is a douchebag?
The Rest of the Story: First, let's answer the question everyone asks after watching this video: no, he didn't get the job. In fact, it was probably someone at UBS that took the first step in turning him into a national laughingstock. That can safely be considered the opposite of getting the job.
After this video went viral, Vayner did what any "model of personal development and inspiration" would do: he moved back in with his mother and complained to the press about how he'd been victimized. Vayner said he underwent an "extremely stressful time" after the video was released and took a leave of absence from Yale, prompting Yale to cough douchebag under its breath and deny he ever went there. Vayner then sent a cease and desist letter to the blog that posted the video (IvyGate) to get them to take it down. They didn't. He also said he was exploring legal action against UBS for being the first to decide his video was simply too ridiculous not to share with the world.
Copies of Vayner's book don't seem to be for sale anywhere, but he did post excerpts on his site, which include the boast that his viral clip "received international publicity" and practically invented the concept of the resume video.
#5.
Andrew Meyer, "Don't Tase Me, Bro" Guy
If you haven't seen the video ... When Andrew Meyer stepped up to the microphone during a forum with former presidential candidate John Kerry, he had resolved to speak truth to power and challenge authority. Authority responded by pinning him down and filling him with thousands of volts of electricity. The video of this incident gained notoriety due to Meyer's pathetic plea to the police, asking them to allow this bro to go untased.
His cry went unheeded, hilarity ensued, and your moronic co-worker who thinks he's so damn funny had yet another annoying catchphrase to recite during meetings.
The Rest of the Story: Meyer was thrown in jail for the night, on charges of resisting an officer and disturbing the peace. Students protested outside the jail, chanting "Don't tase me, bro!" even though Meyer had already demonstrated they were not the magic words to prevent a tasing. A movement was started online to ban Tasers by campus police, and John Kerry himself said there was no need for the cops to intervene (though we like to think this just means Kerry was armed with his own Taser).
By then the incident was national news. Meyer had public opinion on his side and the moral authority of a martyr. With this ammunition in hand, he courageously tucked his tail between his legs and issued a public apology to the university and the police for behaving inappropriately.
Prosecutors agreed to drop all charges if Meyer would complete a voluntary 18-month probation, though we tend to think that badly violates the definition of the term "voluntary." Meanwhile the Florida Department of Law Enforcement investigated the incident and declared that the cops' actions were justified.
Today, University of Florida police are still allowed to carry and use tasers on campus, the protesters have forgotten about it, and Meyer is back on campus where he presumably spends his days living with the knowledge that the pain he suffered brought about a change, albeit a temporary one ... in the world of 2007 novelty T-Shirt slogans.
#4.
Michael Scott, The Lizard King
If you haven't seen the video ... During a morning newscast in 2002, Michael Scott was surrounded by some of the creepiest reptiles Texas has to offer, and it was a tiny lizard that transformed him from a polished newsman into a stuttering, inarticulate, flailing mess.
The Rest of the Story:
Scott's run-in with the attacking gecko led to national publicity (Jay Leno showed it on The Tonight Show). A few years later, Scott left KAXS (the Dallas TV station where he was the anchor) and eventually wound up at WAAY in Huntsville, Alabama, presumably because there are fewer lizards there. At that point, things again took a turn for the strange.
According to The Huntsville Times, Scott was let go earlier this year after a "dispute with a producer." The Huntsville Times has a serious gift for understatement, because in this case "dispute with a producer" means "committing an act of career self-immolation so complete that he's unlikely to ever get hired in his field again."
According to BET, the "dispute" was that during a commercial break, Scott referred to a co-worker as a Negro. When that co-worker asked him not to use that word, Scott, in an act of mind-blowing asshattery, decided to use the, um, other N-word and was fired shortly thereafter.
Although he's since denied using that word, at this point, we don't think even a humorous response to a dozen lizards jumping on him would resuscitate his career. Though we'd like to see him try it.
#3.
Melissa Sander, Grape-Stomper
If you haven't seen the video ... Melissa Sander was a reporter for an Atlanta TV station in the late '90s, doing a fluff report from a local winery. She participated in an impromptu grape-stomping contest when disaster hilariously struck.
The Rest of the Story: Memo to parents: If you really want to show your kids that cheaters never prosper, you might want to consider using this video as a visual aid. After being told that time was up, Sander kept stomping and was quickly bitch-slapped by the hand of fate, tumbling over the side.
Her walrus-like screams, while obviously amusing to her co-workers in the studio, seemed to indicate a serious injury. Everywhere this video appears, there's somebody in the comment section claiming Sander broke several ribs and almost died, presumably because they think it's funnier that way. But people at the winery where she fell said she was fine and oh-by-the-way it was basically her fault because they chose to film facing the side without railings.
According to bloggers who've tried to track her down, shortly after the incident Sander left Atlanta for Albany, which we're sure had nothing to do with the fact that the in-studio reporters were barely holding back giggles at her pained yodeling. Her bio page at Albany ...
... makes no mention of a near-death experience due to a pierced lung, which further supports the fact that she probably just had the wind knocked out of her on the fall. In fact, while the bio mentions her time at WAGA-TV, it makes no mention that she's the grape-stomping lady, which is like a biography of Kobe Bryant forgetting to mention he plays basketball.
Sander is no longer at that job, and has pretty much dropped off the grid. If her post-stomping career trajectory remained on the path it was following when she went from "live feature reporter for Good Day Atlanta" to "weekend meteorologist" in Albany, she's probably in a small market busily not being allowed on television. We're not sure why she'd be so secretive, all we want to do is follow her around town shouting "Grape Lady!" and imitating that horrible sound.
#2.
Lee Paige, Glock .40 Expert
If you haven't seen the video ... If Melissa Sander proved that cheaters never prosper, Lee Paige put "pride goes before the fall" to the test. Paige's almost instantaneous debunking of his claim of being "the only one in this room professional enough, that I know of, to carry this Glock .40," made him a national laughingstock by all who appreciate sweet, tasty irony.
The Rest of the Story:
Paige's injury was not life-threatening, but that's only because another bullet in his pocket stopped the fired round from hitting his femoral artery. So it was probably a millimeter away from making that bullet discharge, at which point we like to think it would have gone flying out of his pants, ricocheting around the room until it came back to hit him in his ass.
We've seen it happen before
The DEA immediately suspended Paige's pay for five days, and according to Paige and his lawyer, took possession of the videotape. A short time later, the clip found its way onto the internet and became a viral video hit, which would seem to imply that once again some nameless person risked their job for a chance to entertain the internet.
Paige filed suit against the DEA, claiming they "improperly, illegally, willfully and/or intentionally" allowed the footage to become public, pointing out that he really can't do undercover work any more since most of the computer-owning world knows his face. Though it seems like having the reputation as being bulletproof can't hurt (he continued giving his lecture after taking the shot).
In the lawsuit, Paige was also claiming the video harmed his reputation as "one of the best undercover agents, if not the best, in the DEA." No, we're not making that up. The man who took a bullet the last time he made such a boast was right back to his braggart ways. Does fate need to shoot you a second time, Mr. Paige?
#1.
Mark A. Hicks, Afro Ninja
If you haven't seen the video ... Imagine the scene: You're tired and jet-lagged after flying halfway across the world. You get a phone call--the studio wants you to come in for a second audition. You agree, because you need the work and, after all, what can go wrong?
Oh yes, that. You attempt a complicated stunt and flub it badly, careening across the room like a drunken imbecile. Such was the case of Mark A. Hicks, who is better known by his internet-appointed nickname: Afro Ninja.
The Rest of the Story: Although the video makes him look like a moronic poseur, Hicks is actually an award-winning stuntman who has worked on the Rush Hour films, Terminator 3 and the classic Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood. Still, only a handful of the 40 films he's worked on can boast the audience of the Afro Ninja clip (with over 80 million views).
All sorts of back stories have been invented for the clip, but it was actually an audition for this Nike commercial.
And get this: Hicks got the job.
Still, the Afro Ninja clip hurt his career (he believes it's the reason he didn't get the call to work on Rush Hour 3) since those who have seen the video are reluctant to hire a guy best known for perfectly executing a face plant. Unless that happens to be what they need, and as far as we're concerned you don't really see enough of those in movies these days.
Still, his IMDB page says he has plenty of stunt work lined up, so it's not like he's completely shed of his dignity. Wait, did we mention he's producing an Afro Ninja movie?
Are you watching this, Grape Stomping Lady? This could have been you.
On Saturday, the big news was that some guy claimed to have hacked into the email of Miley Cyrus, and as proof he posted thee candid pictures that some might consider racy. The hacker guy also claims to have read an email in which Miley detailed her sexual exploits with Nick Jonas of the Jonas Bothers. Which is noteworthy because they both claim to still be virgins, a tiny fact somehwta important to thier devout Christian image. The hacker guy goes on to say he even has a few naked Miley pictures that he is currently trying to sell. If you're interested in buying these, contact Captain Makebelieve at NeverGonnaHappen.com, c/o the Gum Drop Pony. Because it's not gonna happen. I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty certain you're not allowed to buy and sell stolen naked pictures of 15 year olds.
Ever find yourself watching a movie, and at the moment the villain whips out an elaborately sinister doomsday device, you say, "Hey, I wouldn't mind having one of those things!"
Well, it turns out defense contractors are thinking the exact same thing. The only difference is they have billions to spend to make it happen. Coming soon to a battlefield near you:
#5.
The Advanced Tactical Laser, Boeing's Flying Laser Cannon
We've been waiting for a good freaking death ray for, oh, about 70 years. So when Boeing says, " ... directed energy weapons are relevant to today's battlefield and are ready to be fielded," we pay attention.
Now, Boeing's already doing a few interesting things with laser technology on a smaller scale (like mounting devices to Humvees and using them to detonate bombs from a safe distance. They can also put a bigger one in a jumbo jet and use it to destroy incoming ICBMs from hundreds of miles away. But those are hardly death rays, right? They're reassuring defensive measures designed to protect our brave men and women!
That's where the Advanced Tactical Laser comes in.
Designed to engage (that is, utterly destroy) ground targets, the ATL is a weapon fitted to an aircraft like a C-130 transport plane. From 10,000 feet up and five miles away, this 40,000-pound, megawatt-class, chemical laser will melt a hole through a tank.
Or should we say, tanks. The ATL is intended to strike up to 100 targets in rapid succession. Oh, and the beam's silent. And invisible. One moment you're having a nice cup of coffee atop your troop transport, the next you're a smoking hole in the ground.
This space age, science fiction gadget is scheduled for live fire demonstrations later this year.
Where They Got the Idea:
Independence Day.
Or, quite possibly from the 1985 Val Kilmer comedy Real Genius.
#4.
Railguns, the Navy's Fleet-Destroying Doom Cannons
If you're into sci-fi or first-person shooters, chances are we had you at "railgun." For everyone else, there's the above picture. If you can't make out the writing there, it says "Velocitas Eradico." Speed destroys. That's from a recent railgun demonstration by the US Navy.
Railguns work by electrically generated magnetic repulsion, no toxic chemicals or propellants involved--so yay, finally a gun that kills people and not the environment! In the test pictured above, the projectile was fired with an electric charge of 10.6 megajoules, that's a one second pulse of 10.6 million watts, or enough electricity to power the average American household for a year. When applied in a single split second to an aluminum slug that's much, much smaller than your house, it's enough to make the slug do Mach 7. For those of you who just imagined a seven blade razor, first pretend you're not an idiot, and then try to conceive of something moving fast enough to ignite the air around it and to **** up anything it strikes in ways science barely understands.
How far away are these things? Well, the Navy intends to put 64 megajoule railguns in their new, all-electric DD(X) battleships, which should be ready in 10 years.
Winston Churchill, in a quote that wasn't used on Navy recruiting posters, dismissed Naval tradition as "rum, buggery and the lash." In American, that's "rum, boning dudes and the lash." If Churchill's right, we just hope the rum makes the sodomy go down easier. We'd join a radical off-shoot of Scientology that thought Tom Cruise was too heterosexual and timid in his beliefs if there was a chance we'd get to fire a railgun.
Where They Got the Idea:
They seem to have combined Quake's railgun ...
... with the BFG 9000 from Doom.
#3.
The iRobot Warrior, brought to you by Roomba! The Robotic Floorvac
The world has already gone from bomb disposal bots (which seemingly half the police departments have now) to patrol robots fitted with assault rifles. So what's next? Fully-armed droid soldiers?
Well, they decided to skip that step and went right to droid soldiers that can fire a million ******* bullets a second. The company iRobot (yes, the Roomba guys) are teaming up with Australian weapons company, Metal Storm, to create Warrior. iRobot will provide the robot part, and Metal Storm provides the Firestorm weapons system, and revolutionary guns that work by stacking the ammo in the barrel and cooking it off via electrical impulses.
The result is a robot that can shoot little 40 mm grenades at you at a rate of 4,000 a second.
Having the rounds triggered electronically meshes well with a computer targeting system. And the guns are designed not to jam, so don't count on that once these bastards start rolling down your street.
Or maybe we should just relax. After all, iRobot says Warriors are "being engineered with advanced software, giving them the ability to perform some battlefield functions autonomously."
See? Perfectly harmless.
Where They Got the Idea:
The Hunter-Killer droids from the Terminator series.
But that only comes to mind because they dispensed with their original plans to make it look like a robotic chicken fucked a machine gun toting fencing helmet.
#2.
"Rods from God," Space-Launched Kinetic Megabombs
There's an urban legend about a woman killed by a shaft of frozen urine fallen from a plane's leaking toilet. Then there's the one about pennies dropped from the top of the Empire State Building, passing through pedestrians' skulls like bullets. Then there's the one about telephone pole-sized tungsten rods dropping from an orbital weapons platform at 36,000 feet per second to impact the earth below with the force of a meteor strike.
Guess which one you won't find on Snopes under "stupid bullshit?"
Yes, enormous Swords of Damocles hanging in space are one more reason to lie awake at night, thinking about how much safer we feel thanks to science.
The so-called Rods From God system would have two satellites placed in orbit, one to control communication and targeting, the other containing the rods. When released, nothing but gravity and a little remote guidance is needed to bring them down on target like the wrath of Zeus.
The brute force of hundred-kilogram rods traveling over 7,000 MPH makes them ideal for penetrating underground bunkers, your mother, and hardened nuclear missile silos. You know, things you might find in a rogue state, in violation of the Nuclear Proliferation Treaty.
Such treaties don't apply to hypervelocity rods, though they strike with the force of a tactical nuke, they produce no radioactive (and far less political) fallout. The US Space Command (where we always claimed our Dad worked even before we knew it existed) says they plan to have this capability by 2025.
Where They Got the Idea:
These apparent James Bond fans seem to have combined the orbital death laser from Diamonds Are Forever with the wicked-awesome spear gun Bond used in Thunderball.
We know what you're thinking. "C'mon, Cracked, that's Photoshopped! You don't really expect me to believe the military has flying saucers?" Well ... they might. One thing they definitely have are Lethal Frisbee UAVs, or Unmanned Aerial Vehicles.
These are robotic drones being developed for the Air Force by Triton Systems, who believe they're well-suited to urban combat environments. Fired from a device like a skeet-launcher, the discs then fly via remote or internal guidance into hostile, heavily-defended areas.
High maneuverability would allow them to, say, access an upper story apartment or flank and close on an entrenched enemy position. When near the enemy, the drone detonates. Its MEFP warhead will spray the area with armor-piercing shrapnel to shred infantry or, alternately, form a single-targeted explosion to destroy heavy vehicles or perform demolition work.
Basically just imagine this thing ...
... only killing a bunch of dudes.
So all this means that pretty soon it'll be easy to spot insurgents. They'll be the ones with the champion Frisbee dogs.
Where They Got the Idea:
We're thinking the Manhacks from Half Life 2, the irritating little hovering robots with their spinning blades.
Only instead of cutting you, it blows the shit out of the room you're in, killing everyone nearby. So quite an improvement, really.
This was too funny not to pass along to the rest of you. Thanks WWTDD
If you’re reading this somewhere other than the United States today, you should know that today is our birthday. The US has been awesome for 232 years now, and so today all of us bad ass motherfuckin Americans will celebrate by putting our hot chicks in bikinis and shooting fireworks at each other. The point being, things will probably be kind of slow today, so my condolences if you’re bored. Also, my condolences if you're not American. I read in the bible that if god didn’t make you American, it’s because he hates you, so you’re kind of screwed.
