lol, I had to copy/paste this cuz I couldnt have said it any better myself. How true is this and more importantly, WHICH one are you??

Wow. Drunk people are ******* retarded. I'm not even joking around with you..Drunk people are some of the stupidest people on the planet. I know that booze affects the mind in severe ways, causing all kinds of problems with motor skills and inhibition, but...comeon. Some of the shit people do is beyond stupid. It makes me wonder how dumb they were before they ever started drinking that night.

For the last three weeks, or so, I've started making some extra money (thanks, ex-wife!) by working security at a popular bar in town. My job has thus far consisted of checking for underage people at the door and making certain that no one sets drinks on the pool tables. Considering the length of my shift, it's pretty god-damned boring. I have a lot of time to sit an observe people in varying levels of fucked-upedness. Yeah. That's a word if I want it to be.

I like to fashion myself as an observer of humanity, and I think I've developed ways of categorizing people fairly accurately. That being said, I think that while there are countless of different people who like to do countless different things...people still fit into at least one of these categories, if not more than one.

1) Asshole. Yeah, you might be an asshole when you get drunk. You may say shit to your friends that's hateful and unnecessary just because you think that it's funny, when it really isn't. You may be rude to complete strangers because you don't care what they think. You may treat women as objects that exist only to fulfill your twisted fantasies. Wait a minute...this describes me when I'm sober.

2) Dude/Chick With No Limits. Don't know how to pace yourself when you're drinking? Don't know when that last shot of tequila you took was one too many? Nice. You're the drunk who has no limits. You're cut off by the bartender at about 1 am because you can't be understood when you're ordering. Your friends usually have to help you out to the car...hopefully they're driving.

3)The Slut. This is usually a bitch, but sometimes it can be a guy. These are the people at the bar who get super-drunk and decide that they want some attention. They're usually a girl who has a low self-esteem and they immediately switch on they're "fuck me" sign. They cruise the bar, throwing themselves at the most attractive guys and filter down the rank-and-file until they get to a guy who's drunk enough, or desperate enough, to take them home. I like these bitches, but they seem to get snatched up before they ever fuckin' make it to me.

4) The Sometimes Bi-Sexual. These are always chicks, though I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rules out there. These chicks also seek out attention from their peers by making an exaggerated show of being attracted to other chicks at the bar. While sober, they typically have no homosexual urges whatsoever. Three or four drinks into the evening, though, and they're searching for likely throats to stick their tongue down. The target is usually a trusted friend, who is also a sometimes-bisexual. This trait can be taken advantage of by a smart boyfriend by exploiting the sometimes-bisexual's homo urges, and getting two chicks in the sack at once. The only problem is dealing with a shocked straight chick in the morning. It's probably worth it.

5) Mr. Moody. This guy gets drunk and then gets really ******* sad. He's typically an alright guy before he drinks, but as soon as he has some booze in his belly, he turns into Sir Weeps-A-Lot. He gets upset about his mom...or his girlfriend...or his job...or really anything sad that he can focus on at the time. Being drunk is his way of getting over the bullshit of his normal existence, and he uses it as some kind of cry-baby therapy. That's okay, I guess. Just fuckin' do it somewhere else.

6) The Ass-Kicker. Ten feet tall and fuckin' bulletproof. This guy's balls swell with testosterone while he drinks, and he's ready to brawl. He builds himself up in his own mind and gets so pumped up for a fight, that's he starts looking for any excuse whatsoever. He likes staring people down and bumping into folks randomly, blaming them for spilled drinks and stepped-on toes. I have a feeling that these people don't really want to fight. There's a good chance that they'd back down from a fight, but you never know. They usually just want to get off on dominating people at the bar. I hate The Ass-Kicker. They deserve their ******* doom when they **** with me.

7) The Hugger. This dude (or chick) loves you. They may only have just met you, but they love you anyway. They walk around hugging people that they love,which is usually everyone that they know by their first name. The dudes who do this want to talk about "the good times" that the two of you shared. The chicks who become Huggers are deceptive. You think that since they're hugging you and telling you that they love you, that you might have a chance of ******* them later. You're wrong. Those chicks are assholes.

8) The Wild Card. These are the to watch out for. They get good and drunk, and then declare statements like, "Hey! Watch me jump off this moving car!" or "Hey! Watch me set my arm on fire with this Bacardi 151!" Whoo-hoo! Yeah! That's how I want to cap my night off. I want to baby-sit you at the Emergency Room while you're getting your ass shaved for ******* skin grafts. That's fun for me. Honest.

I wanted ten in my list, but I ran dry on thinking of more types of drunk people. That's okay. I think we can only deal with eight, really.

I see folks at the bar doing this shit all the time, actually. I hate them, but some of them are worse than others. They act like idiots, and then they blame it on the booze the next day. **** that. I know for a fact that there's never been anything I've done or said while drunk, that I wouldn't have done while sober. I've never fucked a chick I wouldn't have fucked during the day, and I've never sustained a major injury because I was drunk out of my mind. Maybe I'm lucky, or maybe I just know how to pace myself while drinking. I doubt it, though. I'm just not an idiot. Drunk people are ******* retarded.

Tags: Drunk People Bars

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